Crossroads of nihil

I stood at a crossroads the other day
nothing was staring at me but the sun
was it morning?
was it nearing evening?
No one knows, no one cares

I was waiting for you but you didn't come
I didn't know what to think
until I read the newspaper
and viewed the funeral notices;
your dad had died.
and so had you.

I contemplated for a moment what to do,
still with the sun in my eyes
and still standing at the crossroads
of nihil
four roads, one life,
one chance

the crunch of dirt under my boots is becoming
more satisfying than that of grass,
or concrete, or asphalt
the crunch and grind of rock and sand
places me closer where i belong

Even when it started raining, i stood there,
leaning on the post without a care
but luckily with some cigarettes.
I lit one up, sheltered by my wide-brimmed hat
it fumed and piled a bunch of misery on my body;
yet i puffed and laughed

the dirt no longer crunched
the sun no longer shone
everything was predictable and futile,
just as the signs you probably will guess
before i read them to you.

nothing
everything
peace
freedom

where do you go, when you passionately believe in all of them
yet believe only in passion -
and being afraid of murderers

when I am a medic
causing extra delay on my way
to helping people is a disgrace.

My thought does not provide a bride, a fresh cigarette
or a beer;
it only makes me laugh
and my choice no harder
but further away